I've struggled with my professional and career identity for long time. Still do in fact.
So it's always a relief to hear other people who have experienced some of the same things you did.
The nice part is, Paul Millerd, came out with a book describing all the struggles he had with his work and how he learned to find work he actually enjoyed doing.
I particularly enjoyed reading about when he quit his management consulting career and feeling free, only to find himself doing the freelance version of the same thing which he also hated. He just did it for the money. But he was so nervous about money and losing that identity that in went on for a long time before he finally committed to an identity as a creative writer.
Similarly, I went 1099 because I wanted autonomy and independence. It helped me get more of those things, but I can tell it's not the "Good Work" I want to be doing.
Now, figuring out how to sustainably do good work is a challenge, but just knowing that I'm not crazy for wanting it is a big relief.
It's an easy and quick read, and if you are wrestling with career and work identity, it's worth the $10-$20.
Relatable excerpt below. The procrastinating on easy tasks one hit me hard.
When I was working in consulting, I simply completed my tasks, driven by peer pressure to be a “good worker” and meet my team's expectations. I never thought too deeply about my interest in the work. After all, I had little choice. When I started working on my own, however, tasks that used to be easy to finish suddenly felt impossible. For one of my freelance projects, I had to send an update email to the client before a check-in call on Friday. I showed up at the coworking center I had joined in Boston that Monday intending to complete it. I knew it wouldn’t take me more than fifteen minutes. But I spent the entire day procrastinating, working on other things that interested me, wandering back and forth to the coffee and snacks area, and taking a long bike ride around the river. As I left for the day, I swore to myself, “Tomorrow I’ll do it.” But then Tuesday came and went and so did Wednesday. The task hung over me all week until I forced myself to do it at the end of the day on Thursday. Hitting "Send," I knew deep in my body that I couldn’t keep going like this.
This realization hit me hard; not only did I have to face the fact that I had spent most of my days doing tasks like this in my career, I also had no real plan for supporting myself other than doing this same kind of work, now as a freelancer. But the longer I spent away from my former job, the more certain I was that consulting was probably never the work I was meant to be doing. Consulting projects could earn me money, but I saw them as a trap. What was the point of quitting if I was just going to recreate my former life?
